Selling NASA

In case you were asleep last week, America could use an extra 700 billion dollars.

Surprisingly, I have an solution that nobody's thought of. You can read it for free, but promise to give me all the credit when its accepted by Congress next month.

Let's sell NASA: (The National Aeronautics and Space Administration).

Here's a six step outline of why my idea is the best:

1) We don't need to be effin' around in space to begin with. I know the galaxy is cool and all, but seriously...let's just buy a few Wal-Mart telescopes and make vague generalizations about what we "think" is out there. Postmodern Americans would love that idea. It's far more practical and much less expensive than flying a damn robot to Mars (a planet which has done very little for us...in fact, it's not even a part of the UN).

2) NASA's net worth is in the trillions of dollars. So we really only need to sell like....30% of it. We can donate the other 70% to charity and get a big-ass tax write off (Obama would love this one).


3) NASA makes "space toilets" that cost more than 19 million dollars a piece. Do you know how many Compassion kids that equals? That's like 600,000 Compassion kids per toilet. In light of that information, I motion that we replace NASA's "anti-Compassion" toilets with Home Depot versions that cost $50 a piece.



4) NASA isn't in the Bible. Or in the Restoration Movement.



5) Wallace and Gromit made it known to us that the moon is made of cheese. Why did NASA have to spend 23 billion going there to see for themselves? They should have just rented "A Grand Day Out" on VHS in order to forgo the costly astronaut fees that were in place in 1969.

*Additionally, based on Wallace and Gromit's documentary, the surface of the moon is made up of two kinds of cheese.

• American (oddly enough, that's the name of our country)
• Cheddar (which is "gangster" talk for "money").

Based on that information, we can assume that the moon is "American Cheddar - a.k.a. "American Money." If it's American money, let's sell the thing to China. They're full of money. They just spent 6 billion on the Olympics...what's 694 more?



6) NASA is conspicuous to aliens. How are they supposed to interpret large missile-shaped aircraft being launched in their direction? I don't think NASA is intentional enough about telling aliens what we're up to. One day, they might get the wrong idea and blow us up...again.