Lioncrest Apartments Commercial

http://soundcloud.com/tony-anderson/lioncrest-apartments-commercial

That's a link to a commercial that my brother (Ben) and I created yesterday.

There's an apartment complex in Joplin called "Lioncrest," that we drove by on Sunday. It caught my attention because it's like many businesses in this city - the owner takes two words and shoves them together hoping that nobody will question them (Cardinal towers in Webb City for example). Well, I decided to pursue an independently made commercial for Lioncrest for no reason. They do not know that I made this...yet. Everything in it is untrue or highly exaggerated - including the testimonials (if you think they're real, get yourself checked out)

I'll deliver this commercial to them this week - under their door. Attached will be an email address (I'm creating one) that they can respond to if they want to pursue putting this thing on the air.

Let me know your thoughts.

-Tony

Weathermen get away with MURDER

Have you been following the weather lately?

I live in Joplin Missouri (an area in the Midwest that's characterized by slow drivers, slow thinkers and idiotic traffic police that have nothing better to do than pull me over and write me tickets). Another thing that Joplin is famous for is its inconsistent weather patterns. For example, in December of 2007 an ice storm came to town. This particular storm was so bad that it took power out for a few weeks. The ice was so thick that the power lines literally snapped! FAIL. Well, two weeks after the storm came through, we had a 70 degree weekend. WHAT?

Or take last week for example - we had a storm that rolled through town packing 90 MPH winds. It took down several hundred trees in Joplin and knocked power out for a few days. Well, although Joplin was in certain peril, the weather changed dramatically only 2 hours after the storm subsided. The rest of the day was characterized by a cool breeze and 72 degree temperatures. WHAT?

Now, you're wondering why I'm so angry.

The weathermen in Joplin suck. There is no better way to put it. Doug (I will protect his last name for security purposes) had a 3 week stretch that just ended yesterday of complete meteorological failure. He told me that it was going to rain on days that I got sunburned, and on days that I was planning on getting a tan, I went outside only to discover that all hell had broken loose and my neighbor's retarded poodle was lodged in my chain-link fence.

Additionally, ALL weathermen who have been "calling the shots" for Joplin's forecast have been insanely wrong. Apple's weather widget belongs on failblog.org (a website dedicated to public failure). NOAA.gov (the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration) is run by NASA - freaking NASA - and THEY were wrong for 3 weeks in a row. How does NASA get something wrong for 3 weeks? I mean, I know they let Apollo 13 fail and the Challenger exploded, but I thought they might have learned from their failure. Again, we need to sell NASA.

Why does this meteorological failure matter? Because my mood is dictated by the weather. When the sun is shining, so is my smile. When clouds cover the skies, I kill small animals. I need to know when the weather is going to be nice so that I can plan my happiness around it.

Imagine that you are a small child. You go to sleep on Christmas Eve knowing that tomorrow is Christmas day...or at least that's what your parents told you. You wake up only to find that your parents have gone to work and the Christmas tree has been removed from the living room. you call your parents and ask, "WHY aren't you home? WHERE is the Christmas tree? WHEN can we open gifts? I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS CHRISTMAS!" Your parent's reply? "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought tomorrow was Christmas but I was wrong. Maybe next time?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

This is what's been happening to me on a daily basis for the past 3 weeks. I wake up expecting Christmas and all I get is a copy of the Koran and a cold slap to the face. Why aren't meteorologists held accountable for their failures? I think that if there was a disciplinary system in place that gave out punishment (an electrical shock or the removal of a limb) for an improper forecast, we'd have a happier nation and a more accurate weather forecast system. Think about it, what other company allows you to fail as consistently as the National Weather Service while still keeping your job? I almost got fired from my first job (Snappy Tomato Pizza) for throwing away an entire pizza by accident - meanwhile there are a group of men in suits guessing what Joplin's weather is going to be like (and getting it wrong), but don't worry...they still have their jobs.

So, what are your thoughts? Is it time to have a Meteorological reform? Luther did it with Christianity...maybe it's time that I did it with the Weathermen...because they're getting away with murder - selling indulgences to all of the weak-minded weather slaves in Egypt while they sit on their lofty thrones of cumulus nimbus! NEVER AGAIN!

Selling NASA

In case you were asleep last week, America could use an extra 700 billion dollars.

Surprisingly, I have an solution that nobody's thought of. You can read it for free, but promise to give me all the credit when its accepted by Congress next month.

Let's sell NASA: (The National Aeronautics and Space Administration).

Here's a six step outline of why my idea is the best:

1) We don't need to be effin' around in space to begin with. I know the galaxy is cool and all, but seriously...let's just buy a few Wal-Mart telescopes and make vague generalizations about what we "think" is out there. Postmodern Americans would love that idea. It's far more practical and much less expensive than flying a damn robot to Mars (a planet which has done very little for us...in fact, it's not even a part of the UN).

2) NASA's net worth is in the trillions of dollars. So we really only need to sell like....30% of it. We can donate the other 70% to charity and get a big-ass tax write off (Obama would love this one).


3) NASA makes "space toilets" that cost more than 19 million dollars a piece. Do you know how many Compassion kids that equals? That's like 600,000 Compassion kids per toilet. In light of that information, I motion that we replace NASA's "anti-Compassion" toilets with Home Depot versions that cost $50 a piece.



4) NASA isn't in the Bible. Or in the Restoration Movement.



5) Wallace and Gromit made it known to us that the moon is made of cheese. Why did NASA have to spend 23 billion going there to see for themselves? They should have just rented "A Grand Day Out" on VHS in order to forgo the costly astronaut fees that were in place in 1969.

*Additionally, based on Wallace and Gromit's documentary, the surface of the moon is made up of two kinds of cheese.

• American (oddly enough, that's the name of our country)
• Cheddar (which is "gangster" talk for "money").

Based on that information, we can assume that the moon is "American Cheddar - a.k.a. "American Money." If it's American money, let's sell the thing to China. They're full of money. They just spent 6 billion on the Olympics...what's 694 more?



6) NASA is conspicuous to aliens. How are they supposed to interpret large missile-shaped aircraft being launched in their direction? I don't think NASA is intentional enough about telling aliens what we're up to. One day, they might get the wrong idea and blow us up...again.

Strapped for Time

I've heard quite a few people these days tell me that they've got a lot going on in life. Maybe they're working two jobs - - or three. Perhaps they have children that need to be driven all over the place, or maybe they're a student during Final Exam Week.

I am that student, or at least I was last week.

I was in Omaha, NE last weekend finishing up a great tour with CIY's Jr. High Believe program. I was excited about the conference, but I knew going into it that I would have problem ahead of me. The problem was a final exam that was due on Friday before Midnight. I was allowed, graciously, by Chase Allcott to come late on Friday up to Believe so that I could study for the exam, and the other exams that I had to take earlier that week.

Well, Friday rolled around, and I had an opportunity to study in the van on the way up, but that wasn't enough time. Later on, after I set up my gear, I studied again, but that still wasn't enough time. Then conference started around 6pm, so instead of mixing music on stage, I made a play-list of typical "white person church-going music" and hit play. Then I studied some more. The first session ended, and in the break before the next session, I studied....and that's when I knew I was ready.

I had free wireless on stage, and I only found that out because a message popped up on my computer telling me so. I joined the network, but never accessed the internet......until worship that night. That's right...I went online during worship. Not just to any old site like Facebook or Digg, but to the site that I was supposed to take my final exam. And you know what? I started taking my final exam right there on stage....in the middle of worship.....Lord Let Your Glory Fall to be exact.

There they were, all 600 Jr High students with their youth sponsors down on their knees in reverent prayer while I was on stage taking a final exam.

I don't think I'm getting into heaven anymore.

Whoops!

I just picked this up from Yahoo tonight:

"Nationals Park, Washington DC's $611 million gift to bring baseball back after a 34-year hiatus, is a perfectly acceptable new stadium. It is not transcendent like its Beltway neighbor, Camden Yards in Baltimore, and not a billion-dollar homage to gluttony like the new Yankee Stadium will be."

611 Million Dollar gift? Billion dollar homage?

Here's my first generalization (which is nothing but old news):
1) America's spending is wildly undisciplined and inefficient.

It's pointless for me to write about how much I reject the commercialization of sports, because that's not my primary reason for frustration over this building failure (although it factors in). Also, now wouldn't be the time to ask Americans why sports matter enough to spend 1.6 billion dollars on 2 stadiums... I really just want to ask....do we have any idea what we're doing? Do we understand the impact that we have when we spend? Again, I'm incredibly late to be jumping on this train, but I thought that something might have changed over the past four years when my eyes were first opened to the depth of the current situation.

I'm perplexed by the massive budget that the U.S. consistently exceeds annually for war and entertainment when so little is given to people who can't even make it into their 20s because they can't eat.

554 billion was spent for war in 2004. And every time you've paid one dollar in taxes, $0.43 goes to military spending and war.

Compared to 18 billion, which was spent on foreign aid in 2004. Oh, and you're not allowed to count the 20 billion that it cost us to rebuild a country that we bombed.

















Something is radically wrong. But you already knew that.

I'm not naive, but it appears that if we took some from the massive amount that we spend on our concrete empire and gave it to people who can't make it into their 20's because they die of starvation, we'd change something.

I'm mulling over some thoughts that will begin as blog entries and hopefully balloon into something practically impactful.

Devastating Earthquake Destroys the Midwest

Before dawn this morning, the biggest earthquake in the Midwest's history took place. It registered at a 57.5 on the Richter scale and destroyed everything in its path. Midwesteners in po-dunk farm communities will be talking about the quake in crappy little coffee shops for the next several years, so please be patient with them (as they have nothing better to talk about anyway).

Reports have confirmed that as many as three (3) plates have fallen off of Darlene Johnson's dish rack in Salem, IL. Additionally, Rick Cornheimer (a soybean farmer from Cyliner, IA) reported that his livestock looked "pretty darn vexed" a few hours after the disaster." I looked in their big 'ol eyes and they just seemed so.....so.......shooked up!"

Here are some photographs that I took this morning from my hotel room in Indianapolis:

God be with us all...

Zorbax: King of my Enemies

I was on my way back from Atlanta this Sunday when the thought suddenly struck me..... "Tony, you MUST produce a short film!" It was probably the Holy Spirit.

First of all, it's obvious that I'm not a screenwriter, cinematographer, producer, director or camera operator. I don't even own a camcorder. I'm 100% film-stupid.... to the extent that I don't even understand iMovie on my laptop. But being blind was never enough for Helen Keller to give up her dream of reading and writing, so why should having a complete lack of film knowledge destroy MY dream of being a filmmaker?

Here is a run-down of the plot. The film will be called "Zorbax: King of my Enemies: Part 2" The year is 1955. The main character (Zorbax) is an alien from the planet "Poon," which is entirely vegetarian. Meat does not exist on the planet of Poon, nor is it tolerated. Meat is forbidden in every way. If the word "meat" is even whispered on the surface of Poon, the whole planet will be notified by the ring of the "Poonish Meat Siren" or "PMS." Additionally, the "meat" offender will be transported to the valley of ____. On to the story.... Zorbax will be eating lunch one fine afternoon (consisting of chick-peas and corn stalks) when the Poonish Meat Siren (PMS) sounds, due to a protein breach in Sector 5.

Unfortunately, the protien breach was the worst in Poon's history. What happens is that Rhombi 15 (Zorbax's childhood friend) comes home from traveling the galaxies and forgets to remove the half pound of bacon from his suitcase before landing at Poon National Airport (PNA). The bacon touches the surface of Poon rendering it useless. Consequently, all residents of Poon (commonly called "Poonanites") are required to leave their planet in search of a new land. Understandably, Rhombi 15 is cast into the valley of _____.

It just so happens that Zorbax's jet propelled "Pea Pod" (which is used for escapes) crashes to Earth rather than to Mercury (which is the backup site for Poon 2.0 in case Poon 1.0 ever had a "meat" incident). Earth wouldn't be so bad for Zorbax aside from the fact that he crashed through the roof of a cattle slaughter house. Within minutes, Zorbax understands that he's surrounded by meat.....bloody, warm, unsalted rotting meat.....and the Poonish Meat Siren (PMS) is nowhere to be found. In screen writing, this part of the plot is typically called the climax.

It's important at this point to note that the entire movie will be filmed in the lowest quality possible with little to no lighting. Zorbax's voice will consist of Japanese words that will be reversed, then edited with various delays, reverbs and phasers to make it sound completely terrible. The music (which will run for almost the entire 16 minute film) will be composed by several people who do not understand music and do not play musical instruments. I will be playing a solo trumpet and a shaker. My brother, David, will be playing the Irish flute. My friend Dan will make an appearance with his Ram's horn and triangle and my friend Susan will be accompanying the entire score with her Casio synthesizer from 1982. Foley and ADR will be completely out of place. For example, when Zorbax takes a step, we will replace his usual vegetarian footstep with the sound of a closing mailbox. Additionally, the sounds of the rainforest or the sound of a bathtub filling up will interrupt the scene randomly in order to cause a heightened sense of things/confusion/hysteria.

You are most likely enthralled with the idea so far, but I have a few more things to add before I post this entry. In all reality, Zorbax will not just crash into a cattle slaughtering house.........no no, there's so much more to it. The PROBLEM will be that Zorbax will find himself LOCKED in a slaughter house. Man, talk about a serious problem...that's like tossing Martin Luther King Jr. into the middle of Klan meeting!

That's all I've developed so far. As you can tell, it's already a hit, but I'd still like some advice from you in order to gain perspective and wisdom.

-Tony